The Crashing Train of Desire (February Newsletter)

“Tenacity!  That is the key!” I can still hear the voice of my former English teacher echoing in my head.  We need tenacity; we need to persistently seek something desired.  Our persistence leads to adaptation, it leads to revision, creating an ability to adjust under heavy burdens, even an ability to avoid burdens.  Far too many people have collapsed under the weight, it’s never pretty.  But it’s all too familiar.  Even in our own lives.  Even in daily struggles, we must have tenacity; we must adhere to something.  What desire propels us to continue our laboring?  What desire compels us to punch in a few more keys?  What desire coerces us to make dinner?  What desire thwarts us from running away?  For every decision we make, there is a deeper desire that motivates our response.  Perhaps that is the core problem.  Perhaps we are dangerously tenacious creatures; parasitically clinging to a crashing train of desire.  The true peril lies in the fickle nature of our passions.  They change with the forecast.  One day we are assaulted by some unexpected hail, our tenacity gets the best of us…and we are on the 11:00 news.

Life is fast.  Death is faster.  That fact haunted my childhood.  If I had one overwhelming wish as I grew, it was simply to live.  Death terrified me.  That base desire created a ripple effect in many of my actions and a careful step in my pursuits.  But, because of that original obsession, even in the clutches of teenage hormones, despair, depression, and angst – suicide was never an option.  All humans cling to something.  We are hardwired to be tenacious, to worship, to idolize, to covet.  Whether you are agnostic, an atheist, a Christian, or anything else – you should believe that there is a driving force that thrusts humans forward.  Mysteriously we surpass our limitations and fulfill unbelievable goals.  When you look at the pivotal moments of history, you witness creatures that have moved past their personal desires.  You see monuments that shouldn’t be possible; you witness suffering that surpasses the darkest creations of Hollywood, and hear stories of redemption that redefine your purpose.  What drove these beings?  What passion ran so deeply within them, that even past their limitations they achieved success?  Greatness, it seems, is obtained only in the moment that our desires surpass ourselves, but isn’t that a paradox?  To sacrifice yourself for your desire…is it really possible? 

“This week hasn't been one of the best of my life. I guess I'm using this note as a public confession. Earlier this week I was suffering from migraine headaches. Everything I tried wouldn't work and the pain wouldn't go away. So stupid me when someone suggested that taking a hit of weed would help. I listened willing to do anything to get rid of the pain. That one act almost destroyed everything I [have] worked for [for] the last 10 months.

I wish the story ends there. I'm prescribed by my doctor Zane x and I ended up taking way too many and ended up hurting and disappointing a lot of my friends. After I realized my case worker and friend didn't trust me anymore and [my case worker] thought I did a drug, he said I did, but didn't do, I lost it. Instead of doing what I should have done and talk to someone or even pray to God, I took over 30 of the medication. I tried to commit suicide. 

The Lord, doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, saved my life again. A friend was able to send help and I was sent to Norton Hospital where I got the help I needed. The meds I was prescribed should never have been given to me. They were making my mental problems worse. So from now [on] I'll never take another drug of any type again. I'll be seeing a psych once a week and I will get better and stronger.

For all my friends and family, I love you with all my heart. What I tried to do was selfish and I should [have] kept the fact you all love me in mind. I will hang on to the cross with all my strength and pray that everyone forgive me. I'm still the good hearted guy [whose] main goal in life is to serve and help others. 

Luke 9:62 "I promise this....I'll put my hand to the mop and this time really will not look back."”

-Ryan

Despite his circumstances, Ryan is abounding in faith and placing his trust in the Lord.  He is beginning to see God’s subtle hand in his life, the importance of Christian community, and is realizing the complex pathways that the Spirit uses in our transformation.  Ryan’s story reminds me of our ability to deceive ourselves; our ability to sacrifice our lives to want.  He ‘tenaciously’ welded his very flesh onto the crashing train of his desires.  Helplessly he watched as a Texas sized hail storm destroyed the tracks, created a deep crater, and he plummeted over the edge.  The good news is…he is off that train.  I have watched him wander, helplessly lost.  I could not save him.  He could not save himself.  Drugs could not save him.  Family could not save him….  He was tempted in that wandering.  He was dragged into the world of dark alleyways – but a clear light pierced the night.  And I smiled as he boarded a new train….

We see people sacrifice themselves to desire every day.  Tenacity is a gift, but don’t super glue your hand to your head, be wise.  What is a single desire that we can focus our life upon?  What is a single purpose that can drive a straight path?  What is a clear objective that will avoid the pitfalls of stupidity and overcome the wicked passions of our distraction?  What will allow us to overcome the limits of our flesh without sacrificing our lives?  Often we jump on the train of religion, politics, civil rights, activism, family, sports, partying, etc.  There are innumerable trains.  How do you choose?  Some of them crash into one another.  Some of them never make it from the station.  Most of them lead nowhere.  Often those trains are obvious, flashy, and full of warning signs.  The true danger lies in the deceptive locomotive of complacency; trains that steer a flat course – complete with reclining seats.  We can ride those trains comfortably, all the way to the grave.  We must get off the train of religion.  We must escape the tempting train of coexisting.  We can’t even board the friends and family train.  Eventually they all crash into the horrible pit. 

Only one train has a way.  It travels a narrow path.  Other trains have tried it, they “think they can,” they’ve made it to the very gateway…but they always fail. This train is battered, torn, and easy to miss.  The tracks appear rough and treacherous. Only those who are broken notice it.  Only those who have survived hail storms, only those who have abandoned their destinations, only those who are wandering and searching find the train.  They do not perceive the questionable exterior.  All they see is the blinding light that casts away the shadows.  All they feel is the warmth of its embrace.  The train is full of the hurting and lost, full of the rejected and broken, the sick and the old.  You are no longer an outcast; you are utterly and totally accepted.  The train is called Christ and it bridges the pit.  On this train we are able to overcome the limitations of our flesh without sacrificing our lives, in fact, we gain eternal life.  The boarding ticket is free and unlimited.  The only restriction is that you must leave your baggage.  No supplies are needed – it will all be provided.  This train will restore you.  It will fix you.  It will sanctify you.  It will prepare you for the final destination – home.

Do you look down on others?  Do you look up to others?  Are you lost in a game of comparisons – of self-deprecation and self-elevation?  I was…sometimes, I catch myself drifting back.  But I have discovered that everyone is broken.  Some people appear fulfilled, but they ride the steady train of deception.  Others are welded onto a train of destruction.  Are you better then Ryan?  Are you worse than your rich neighbor?  No.  You are the same.  We are all broken.  Leave the train you’re riding, it is leading nowhere.  It offers no restoration.  Search for the battered train – shout its name, “Christ!  I am broken; I am on a train headed for destruction.  I am tired of carrying this baggage.  I am tired of my fickle desires.  I need a true purpose to cling to.  I am a tenacious creature bonded to my passions.  I need your restoration.  I need your healing.  I need your love!”  Christ will come.  You will be embraced, you will be redeemed.  You are always loved.  It might be a long ride, but learn to enjoy it; the destination is worth the wait.

Thank you for the support you offer both my mission and the mission of Jefferson Street Baptist Center.  We are on the train called Christ.  We make many stops.  We encounter new faces every day.  We learn new stories.  We are broken, but we are being restored.  We tenaciously cling to the cross of Christ.  He gives us the ability to surpass the limitations of our flesh.  We came without baggage, knowing he would provide.  His provision comes through his body – the church.  If you are a bride of Christ, if you are part of his earthly body, reach out to us, we need you.  I need to hear the words of Christ’s encouragement flow abundantly from your lips.  I need to feel the prayers of his body wash over me, protect me, and direct me.  Christ has given me the compassion and love to empathize with the broken, but so many think they are whole. Pray for soft hearts.  Pray for new perception.  Pray for transformation.  Christ has called me to be a shining light in downtown Louisville.  To embrace the wandering, searching, and broken souls who are crying to be restored.  Only He can provide the healing, but I proudly offer the ticket.  Will you board?

In Christ,

JC Williams