May Newsletter: Crossing the Deserts
The sand sank beneath his steps, steps that dug lines through the hot grains. His body glistened in the high sun - he cringed as each drop of sweat fell to the sand in a sizzle. He lifted the bottle to his mouth already knowing the outcome. His rough lips begged a drop to no avail. He was certain that the moisture in his body was at a bare minimum and felt his hope begin to melt away along with his sweat. He hated himself for his tears. He knew it was foolish. He didn't know where these reserves of moisture came from, but his eyes were releasing drops of self pity. Death would find him here. Death would bring him to his knees and greedily cook him in this open air oven. He was surprised by a sudden realization that he was pointing a finger of blame. He pitied his fate, knowing it was somehow forced upon him…and in that moment realized, God is real. He was sure of it, utterly sure. He was also convinced that God was evil and faintly heard Him cackling as his skin blistered.
Tony graduated the Fresh Start Program two months ago. He barely finished his speech, bringing many of us to tears. He is a man truly thankful for the ministry of Jefferson Street Baptist Center. He is involved with his church. He is seeking work. He is in a church small group. He meets with two mentors on a regular basis. He quit smoking. He is a man who is full of love and hope. He is a man that will cherish the time you give him. And he gives back. He knows the joys of giving. He loves to practice them - buying you a coffee despite the non-existent depth of his wallet. Tony is a man seeking to be "Good" in God's eyes.
His lips burned. He couldn't produce spit. He was no longer sweating. His sobs were dry. His steps were slow. The cackling was louder than ever. It echoed all around him, he could feel it beating upon his raw skin.
Tony is now in the Permanent Supportive Housing (PSH) Program. This program is designed to allow Graduates to live in a positive Christian environment while giving them the freedom of their own apartment. Our hope is for it to be transitional, but with disabilities and mental illnesses, transition is not always easy. Tony wanted to be an example. He wanted to set a standard. He wanted to display clean Christian living and emerge from the program with his own job - and his own apartment. Application after application. Resume edit after resume edit. Cover letter after cover letter. No job. Tony knows it's a tough economy. He realizes there aren't many jobs. He sees the holes in his resume. But he had set his expectations high and they were crumbling around him.
His shoulders ached and he allowed the backpack to fall to the ground, cringing as the straps rubbed against his hot flesh. He quickly searched the contents and laughed at their uselessness. It sounded eerily similar to the cackling. Money, cigarettes, and dirty magazines. He lit a cigarette and shuddered as the smoke burned his dry lungs. He flipped through the magazine chuckling at the thought of "God" looking down on him in disgust, take that. Finishing his cigarette he felt calm. His throat burned. But he was calm. The money in the bag was heavy, so he decided to bury it and come back if he managed to escape. He began to dig with his hands…his calm quickly depleted. He remembered his dehydration with each movement and the cackling overwhelmed him.
"...whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." (Luke 9:24) How quickly Tony forgot those words. How quickly he lost sight of their meaning. His life wasn't forming the pattern he envisioned. It wasn't following the rhythm he had composed. God let him down. God failed him. All of the good things he had done. All of the sacrifices he had made for God - and God abandoned him. Thoughts of his sacrifices began to slideshow. Small glimpses. A tiny craving. A pinprick. They continued to invade his thoughts. They seeped from their captivity. They destroyed their guards and began their mutiny. Two months later: an empty bottle of Whiskey and a faint trail of mistakes.
He woke up to a dream. The sand was gone. His flesh still ached, but the burning had faded. His mouth was moist, he greedily licked his lips. He was on a bed, he realized. He peered down at his arm and realized the odd feeling was an IV which his eyes followed to the source of his new found hydration.
He woke up again with clearer vision and realized he wasn't alone in the room. Sitting next to him was the unmistakable attire of a policeman. His heart leapt so hard he was sure the officer must have heard it. Sure enough, the officer turned and looked at him, smiling at his open eyes. He cursed God as the officer held up his unburied backpack.
Tony was outraged. He had been ratted. The bottle was discovered and his lies were brought to the light. It had been consumed in one night. There was no buzz; just an empty bottle and the echoes of empty promises. As he looked into the eyes of his captors a war began – a light had pierced the darkness. He was torn between guilt and anger. Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. It is said that one leads to repentance and the other to death. Tony chose repentance. To the staff he confessed. To the Hope team he confessed. To his church he confessed. He sat before me in humility and disgust – broken by his sin. And confessed.
He jumped at the squeal of the hospital door. His heart stopped when she walked through. He knew her. She wasn’t an attractive woman…perhaps 30 years ago, but the lines of her face had gradually sagged and softened. She smiled warmly, with a look of concern buried somewhere in the wrinkles. The officer stood up and took her hand, a true gentleman, walking her to his bedside. She put her hand to his face; her cool touch had a healing effect on his tortured skin. She spoke softly, “I am relieved that you are okay.” He stared at her in disbelief. He had left her stranded. He had stolen her car. He had used her and left her to die. “I forgive you. God will forgive you too – that is why he has saved you.”
“God will forgive me!? I don’t forgive him! He left me to die – he left me in that house, with those parents. I finally escape and He nearly kills me in that car, then He tries to roast me in the desert! God is sick – He could care less what happens to me.” She seemed to take on his pain vicariously as tears swelled in her eyes. For a moment he wanted to take back his words.
Tony allowed his doubt to overcome his faith. He allowed temptation to misrepresent the truth. He was so busy planning his future – he forgot the past God had delivered him from. Without God, Tony would still be on the streets. Without God, Tony would still be drinking regularly. Without God – Tony might be dead. Every month God supplies his rent. God has surrounded Tony with Christian community and amazing opportunities. God has re-connected a line of communication with Tony and his family. Tony simply lost sight of that. He was advancing his own life instead of advancing the kingdom of God. He was thanking people instead of thanking God. In the midst of everything he gained – Tony forgot that God was all he really needed – or perhaps he had never really known.
“God didn’t turn His back on you; you turned your back on Him. He created you,” her eyes were kind and humble, “He loves you. He loves you enough to let you suffer if it means finding Him.” The tears cascaded from her eyes; she knew it was too much for him to understand, but she prayed anyway. “And God did not forget you – that – I can guarantee you. Luke…I am your grandmother,” she chuckled lightly, “it’s a little like a Star Wars isn’t it?” He smiled weakly, his face growing more and more confused, but she kept on talking, “I stop for some wandering kid – he leaves me to die…and then I find out he’s the one I came to save. Well…it just goes to show you, the Lord works in mysterious ways.”
It is hard to understand the will of God. I don’t possess that much wisdom. I don’t possess that much foresight. I don’t possess that much love. We are so quick to judge the will of God, despite the tiny fraction of knowledge and understanding we possess comparatively. We think using the brain that God created. He created it. We hardly understand the brain and we try to argue against the logic of God. We doubt Him. We doubt his choices. We doubt the way he shapes our lives. We are ridiculous! As a Christian I have a slight advantage in the realm of interpreting God. He speaks through His Holy Spirit…and in those moments that I actually listen, everything becomes clear. Unfortunately, half the time I am so busy advancing my own kingdom, I can’t hear Him over the sound of my own whining. That is why Luke 9:23-24 is so important, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” How can we be followers of Christ if we are so busy trying to make Him follow us? God has guaranteed us happiness, not in this life, but in a life that will last forever. So as we chase the fleeting joys of today, we must ask ourselves if we are running away from the promises of tomorrow.
I want you to pray for me, as I will for you, that I will no longer run away from God to embrace my own desires. I do not want to share my life with God, He bought me with a price; may I glorify Him with my body. This life belongs to Him. To some of you it sounds severe, it sounds like slavery. But God is the Creator. He created us with a purpose. When that purpose is fulfilled, it is not slavery, but freedom. That is why the greatest Love I can demonstrate is my longing, for you to know Christ too. That is a longing for you to have everything. It is a longing for your broken body to be made whole. Hell is not just a punishment for evil; it is eternal separation from God. It is becoming evil. It is moving further and further away from your true purpose.
Life can be full of stress and disappointment. It can be full of anxiety and fear. Tony set his own expectations and realized his helplessness to achieve them, so he turned to a bottle for relief. You might not be so ostentatious. Perhaps you turn to gossip, perhaps you point fingers, perhaps you turn to prescriptions, perhaps you run away…. But Tony quickly pointed out the ineffectiveness of short term solutions: They give you guilt. They disappoint others. They leave a trail of mistakes lingering in your wake. Tony did not find satisfaction until he remembered that God was in control. Until he remembered that God has a purpose. God loves him and will not abandon him. Tony did not have to work so hard to prove something to man, he simply needed to submit to God. Please pray for Tony to not lose sight of that purpose again.
I have been there before. I have been there this week. My future looms in the distant mist covered hills and my fear and anxiety claw desperately to unveil its mystery. Rather than submitting to God’s will, I frantically attempt to flesh-out my own will. Please pray that I can overcome my anxieties for the future. Please pray that I will submit to following God’s will and trust in his providence. I am still on a mission, stress and anxiety will do nothing for expanding the only kingdom worth expanding. May I sacrifice everything, pick up my cross, and follow Jesus.
Thank you for continuing to read and pray. Please continue to provide financial support when you can. I have not fulfilled my financial burden and time is quickly running out. Checks can be sent to “Hope” at 733 E. Jefferson Street. | Louisville, KY 40202. Please write in the memo line, HOPE-0910-JW1. If you would like to donate online, please visit the website: www.hopeforlouisville.com and find my picture after clicking on the “Donate Now” tab. For further prayer requests and thoughts, visit my blog: jcwillyams.blogspot.com
Tony graduated the Fresh Start Program two months ago. He barely finished his speech, bringing many of us to tears. He is a man truly thankful for the ministry of Jefferson Street Baptist Center. He is involved with his church. He is seeking work. He is in a church small group. He meets with two mentors on a regular basis. He quit smoking. He is a man who is full of love and hope. He is a man that will cherish the time you give him. And he gives back. He knows the joys of giving. He loves to practice them - buying you a coffee despite the non-existent depth of his wallet. Tony is a man seeking to be "Good" in God's eyes.
His lips burned. He couldn't produce spit. He was no longer sweating. His sobs were dry. His steps were slow. The cackling was louder than ever. It echoed all around him, he could feel it beating upon his raw skin.
Tony is now in the Permanent Supportive Housing (PSH) Program. This program is designed to allow Graduates to live in a positive Christian environment while giving them the freedom of their own apartment. Our hope is for it to be transitional, but with disabilities and mental illnesses, transition is not always easy. Tony wanted to be an example. He wanted to set a standard. He wanted to display clean Christian living and emerge from the program with his own job - and his own apartment. Application after application. Resume edit after resume edit. Cover letter after cover letter. No job. Tony knows it's a tough economy. He realizes there aren't many jobs. He sees the holes in his resume. But he had set his expectations high and they were crumbling around him.
His shoulders ached and he allowed the backpack to fall to the ground, cringing as the straps rubbed against his hot flesh. He quickly searched the contents and laughed at their uselessness. It sounded eerily similar to the cackling. Money, cigarettes, and dirty magazines. He lit a cigarette and shuddered as the smoke burned his dry lungs. He flipped through the magazine chuckling at the thought of "God" looking down on him in disgust, take that. Finishing his cigarette he felt calm. His throat burned. But he was calm. The money in the bag was heavy, so he decided to bury it and come back if he managed to escape. He began to dig with his hands…his calm quickly depleted. He remembered his dehydration with each movement and the cackling overwhelmed him.
"...whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." (Luke 9:24) How quickly Tony forgot those words. How quickly he lost sight of their meaning. His life wasn't forming the pattern he envisioned. It wasn't following the rhythm he had composed. God let him down. God failed him. All of the good things he had done. All of the sacrifices he had made for God - and God abandoned him. Thoughts of his sacrifices began to slideshow. Small glimpses. A tiny craving. A pinprick. They continued to invade his thoughts. They seeped from their captivity. They destroyed their guards and began their mutiny. Two months later: an empty bottle of Whiskey and a faint trail of mistakes.
He woke up to a dream. The sand was gone. His flesh still ached, but the burning had faded. His mouth was moist, he greedily licked his lips. He was on a bed, he realized. He peered down at his arm and realized the odd feeling was an IV which his eyes followed to the source of his new found hydration.
He woke up again with clearer vision and realized he wasn't alone in the room. Sitting next to him was the unmistakable attire of a policeman. His heart leapt so hard he was sure the officer must have heard it. Sure enough, the officer turned and looked at him, smiling at his open eyes. He cursed God as the officer held up his unburied backpack.
Tony was outraged. He had been ratted. The bottle was discovered and his lies were brought to the light. It had been consumed in one night. There was no buzz; just an empty bottle and the echoes of empty promises. As he looked into the eyes of his captors a war began – a light had pierced the darkness. He was torn between guilt and anger. Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. It is said that one leads to repentance and the other to death. Tony chose repentance. To the staff he confessed. To the Hope team he confessed. To his church he confessed. He sat before me in humility and disgust – broken by his sin. And confessed.
He jumped at the squeal of the hospital door. His heart stopped when she walked through. He knew her. She wasn’t an attractive woman…perhaps 30 years ago, but the lines of her face had gradually sagged and softened. She smiled warmly, with a look of concern buried somewhere in the wrinkles. The officer stood up and took her hand, a true gentleman, walking her to his bedside. She put her hand to his face; her cool touch had a healing effect on his tortured skin. She spoke softly, “I am relieved that you are okay.” He stared at her in disbelief. He had left her stranded. He had stolen her car. He had used her and left her to die. “I forgive you. God will forgive you too – that is why he has saved you.”
“God will forgive me!? I don’t forgive him! He left me to die – he left me in that house, with those parents. I finally escape and He nearly kills me in that car, then He tries to roast me in the desert! God is sick – He could care less what happens to me.” She seemed to take on his pain vicariously as tears swelled in her eyes. For a moment he wanted to take back his words.
Tony allowed his doubt to overcome his faith. He allowed temptation to misrepresent the truth. He was so busy planning his future – he forgot the past God had delivered him from. Without God, Tony would still be on the streets. Without God, Tony would still be drinking regularly. Without God – Tony might be dead. Every month God supplies his rent. God has surrounded Tony with Christian community and amazing opportunities. God has re-connected a line of communication with Tony and his family. Tony simply lost sight of that. He was advancing his own life instead of advancing the kingdom of God. He was thanking people instead of thanking God. In the midst of everything he gained – Tony forgot that God was all he really needed – or perhaps he had never really known.
“God didn’t turn His back on you; you turned your back on Him. He created you,” her eyes were kind and humble, “He loves you. He loves you enough to let you suffer if it means finding Him.” The tears cascaded from her eyes; she knew it was too much for him to understand, but she prayed anyway. “And God did not forget you – that – I can guarantee you. Luke…I am your grandmother,” she chuckled lightly, “it’s a little like a Star Wars isn’t it?” He smiled weakly, his face growing more and more confused, but she kept on talking, “I stop for some wandering kid – he leaves me to die…and then I find out he’s the one I came to save. Well…it just goes to show you, the Lord works in mysterious ways.”
----------------
It is hard to understand the will of God. I don’t possess that much wisdom. I don’t possess that much foresight. I don’t possess that much love. We are so quick to judge the will of God, despite the tiny fraction of knowledge and understanding we possess comparatively. We think using the brain that God created. He created it. We hardly understand the brain and we try to argue against the logic of God. We doubt Him. We doubt his choices. We doubt the way he shapes our lives. We are ridiculous! As a Christian I have a slight advantage in the realm of interpreting God. He speaks through His Holy Spirit…and in those moments that I actually listen, everything becomes clear. Unfortunately, half the time I am so busy advancing my own kingdom, I can’t hear Him over the sound of my own whining. That is why Luke 9:23-24 is so important, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” How can we be followers of Christ if we are so busy trying to make Him follow us? God has guaranteed us happiness, not in this life, but in a life that will last forever. So as we chase the fleeting joys of today, we must ask ourselves if we are running away from the promises of tomorrow.
I want you to pray for me, as I will for you, that I will no longer run away from God to embrace my own desires. I do not want to share my life with God, He bought me with a price; may I glorify Him with my body. This life belongs to Him. To some of you it sounds severe, it sounds like slavery. But God is the Creator. He created us with a purpose. When that purpose is fulfilled, it is not slavery, but freedom. That is why the greatest Love I can demonstrate is my longing, for you to know Christ too. That is a longing for you to have everything. It is a longing for your broken body to be made whole. Hell is not just a punishment for evil; it is eternal separation from God. It is becoming evil. It is moving further and further away from your true purpose.
Life can be full of stress and disappointment. It can be full of anxiety and fear. Tony set his own expectations and realized his helplessness to achieve them, so he turned to a bottle for relief. You might not be so ostentatious. Perhaps you turn to gossip, perhaps you point fingers, perhaps you turn to prescriptions, perhaps you run away…. But Tony quickly pointed out the ineffectiveness of short term solutions: They give you guilt. They disappoint others. They leave a trail of mistakes lingering in your wake. Tony did not find satisfaction until he remembered that God was in control. Until he remembered that God has a purpose. God loves him and will not abandon him. Tony did not have to work so hard to prove something to man, he simply needed to submit to God. Please pray for Tony to not lose sight of that purpose again.
I have been there before. I have been there this week. My future looms in the distant mist covered hills and my fear and anxiety claw desperately to unveil its mystery. Rather than submitting to God’s will, I frantically attempt to flesh-out my own will. Please pray that I can overcome my anxieties for the future. Please pray that I will submit to following God’s will and trust in his providence. I am still on a mission, stress and anxiety will do nothing for expanding the only kingdom worth expanding. May I sacrifice everything, pick up my cross, and follow Jesus.
Thank you for continuing to read and pray. Please continue to provide financial support when you can. I have not fulfilled my financial burden and time is quickly running out. Checks can be sent to “Hope” at 733 E. Jefferson Street. | Louisville, KY 40202. Please write in the memo line, HOPE-0910-JW1. If you would like to donate online, please visit the website: www.hopeforlouisville.com and find my picture after clicking on the “Donate Now” tab. For further prayer requests and thoughts, visit my blog: jcwillyams.blogspot.com
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